Warning, rant ahead.
Blanket Disclaimer: I am ranting about religion and primarily Christianity. That does NOT mean I think ALL religious people are like this -- simply that the majority of ones I have met are. I know there are good Christians just like there are good people who are not religious.
I really don't get it. SO MANY PEOPLE I KNOW claim to be Christians...and not just that, but GOOD Christians. They quote the Bible at a drop of a hat, go to all the Bible studies/prayer groups, talk about how God does this and God does that for them, and everything they say has a spiritual/religious tint.
But they ACT HORRIBLE.
They are some of the nastiest, most vindictive and downright mean group of people I have ever met.
Let me put it this way: I have been verbally, physically and emotionally attacked by numerous "devout" Christians, have been severely bullied (to the point where I was suicidal at 10), and even abused by parents who appear on the outside to be Model Christians. I have dealt with all sorts of hateful speech, actions, all coming from Christians.
Probably 90% of Christians I've met have been generally nasty people. (or at the least, hypocritical) And I've known them at different churches, schools, states and really all over the place. This is NOT just a small, localized sampling of people, but people from ALL over.
Now, to dig a little deeper.
My parents...are what you would consider "good" Christians (and even knowing their actions, a lot of Christians agree with them). But they are really not that nice of people. My father was extremely verbally, and mildly physically abusive to me all my childhood and continues to berate and belittle me as an adult. My mother was/is the same way.
Though I laughed off a lot of things I really SHOULDN'T have, it doesn't change things. I was a pretty...just laugh it off/deal with it with sarcasm kind of kid, and I never really...I didn't KNOW it was abuse at the time. I just thought it was how parents treated their kids, and if I got hit, or kicked or screamed at, well it was just because of something I did wrong. It was MY fault for being wrong.
And my mother always...well she'd sort of apologize for things, and try to "win me back over" at the end (even though she'd sort of guilt tripping me into feeling like it was still my fault), but I never saw THEM as being in the wrong. As a result, I had TERRIBLE self esteem for years, dealt with self harm, suicidal behavior, and eventually a depression so deep that I ended up on meds for it.
But though all this, in one breath they would tell me I was horrible and useless and in the other they'd spout God's "love".
I used to be a Christian. I used to be devout, in a way they never were. I literally threw myself at God's feet, prayed for forgiveness or deliverance or ANYTHING -- some amount of hope.
I never found it. After years of praying and seeking, Bible reading and studies...I never got an answer. No reassurance. No "word from God". No revelation, not even a feeling of comfort.
I've never seen a miracle. I've never had a prayer answered.
I've seen coincidences, overactive imaginations, and just plain self-fulfilling wishing.
But never any sort of divine interference.
I WANTED to believe, so BADLY for so many years.
But after seeing so many of His followers, and their actions and my own experiences...I just can't.
In the end, I had to help myself. I severed ties with my religion (to my parents horror), am embracing who I AM, not who I'm SUPPOSED to be, and am learning to find happiness on my OWN instead of relying on God or anyone else.
I guess...I dunno. I'm starting to see religion as a crutch for the weak, and a shield to hide behind for others, so they can attack and be "justified" in doing it.
Sorry for the rant. I'm not even sure my original point was clear. I just...needed to get that off my chest after a particularly bad day.
And fyi, I AM of legal age, and am in the process of getting my stuff together to move out. I'm going back to school this fall, and will be moving (hopefully out of state) and not coming back. Now that I'm older, they can't pull the shit they used to, but they are still ugly and nasty to me.
I'm just done. I'm tired.
again, sorry to any followers of mine who are religious. I don't mean that ALL of you are bad -- I have just had bad experiences I suppose
